For past two hours, I am sitting in the same position as before. Trying to calculate and recalculate everything that has ever happened. I raised my hands to touch my right cheek, still swollen and sore to touch. ' Did I do the right thing? Did I take the right step? How is everything going to turn out in the future? I know it's probably too late to think all these. But I had to take a step, right or wrong, I still don't know.
I got married when I was 18 years old. I was a freshman and he was as well. We fell in love. To be specific, I fell in love. May be that's the reason I approached him for our first kiss. Everything else fell right through. I changed my whole life for him. the girl who once wore mini skirts is now covered head to toe just for him. So, he loves me little bit more than before. Our love was going on a full swing, neither of us cared about anyone. We forced our parents to get us married. Everything felt like a picture perfect dream. I am going to marry my dream man. What else could I hope for!
But my dreams fell apart the first night of our marriage. In my definition, I was raped. For him, it was his rights as a husband and I don't have the rights to deny him. I questioned him about his love for me before our marriage. His answer was, people fall in love for lust. When I agreed to love him back and married him, I agreed to share his bed as well. That's how it goes. I realized that I was wrong. I expected the love that I read in the novels and watched in the movies, it barely exists.
This became my story every night. I bled in his bed the first time, it continued for few more days then stopped. But he didn't. I have been raped ever since. The marital rape, as everyone calls it. This term gave me peace of mind. It made me feel like the victim of his lust. This victimization made me loose all my mental strength. I went to see a psychiatrist, they diagnosed me with the PTSD( post traumatic stress disorder) because of that "marital rape." I wonder sometimes, does marital rape really exist or it's something the society has taught us? How can a woman be raped in her marriage???
18 years have passed just like that. In 18 years, I learned to hold my ground. I learned to say no to him in his own bedroom. I learned to fight back. The consequence of that is, sometimes swollen arms, legs or any other body parts. He doesn't like to be denied in his own bedroom. The effect of this lingers outside it as well.
He has become more adverse towards my 17 years old son. Before my son used to see me getting beat up by his father now he gets the beating as well. As a result, my son became very weak as a person. He is always scared of everything. Every time his father beats him up, he cries like a little girl and tells me, " Mom! Why cant you do something about it? I can't take this shit anymore from him." I don't have any answer for his question. Sometimes I wonder whether I caused all these? Did I create all these misfortune all by myself?
I brought my mom to live with me in my house, hoping my husband will behave at least. I love my mother a lot. I am the only child of my parents. I put the responsibility on myself to take care of her the way she took care of me. But problem started again. My husband realized, he should spend more time with us to make our relationship better. He was tired of fighting. He wanted to give a chance to our relationship. He wanted to take me and our son out for vacation or outing. How can I leave my mother in the house by herself? How would she feel staying lonely for that long. So I took my mother with me everywhere we went. My husband complained about that as well. He said ," I want to spend time with you not your mother. I didn't marry her." I fought back, my mother supported me as well. The result was, " You don't deserve a husband ". Is he right this time? I didn't want to think about it, I have duty toward my mother.
My nights are just as unbearable as it was 18 years ago. I hate every touch of him, still can't get the first night out of my mind. That night is still fresh in my mind when I couldn't move anymore! I wanted to have a loving relationship with my husband. I wanted to lie down on chest throughout the night and talk about so many things. I wanted him to hug me tight and assure me that he will always be there for me for better or worse. I didn't expect anything more than that. Was I wrong???
Fast forwarded to today's morning, I denied him again. He completely lost it today. He became ferocious. I warned him that I'll call the police few times. He didn't care. He started beating me up harder than before. I was scared, I called the emergency number and left it on. 8 minutes later, police came knocking on the door. My husband lost it totally. He resisted the police and was arrested for domestic violence. After they left with him, I turned toward my son who was standing in the back. I expected appreciation in his eyes but it was hatred. My son said with rage, " You didn't need to send him to jail. You could've made this better yourself." Then he started sobbing for his father. The look on his face made me feel guilty. I wanted the police to let my husband go. I ran out of the door to catch them but the police didn't let him go.
I came back home and started crying. I want him back. I told myself, I have always loved him even though he never loved me. He only had lust. Then came the girl next door, the one I hate the most. She asked, " Why are you crying?"
-" Because I love him"
-" Then why did you call the police?"
-" He beat me up really bad. I had to do something or else he would have killed me. He never loved me but I always loved him."
-" How can you love the person who beats you up?"
-" Love is blind."
-" Love is not blind, you are blind and idiot! You don't love him you are scared how are you going to face the society. That's why you want him back. You are scared how are you going to survive when you have to be the man and woman at the same time. Don't call this love, this is weakness."
-" you are wrong! This is love."
-" Okay. Then tell me where was your love for past 18 years?"
-" What are you saying? I loved him that's why I stayed with him even after he raped me."
-" You were weak! That's why didn't want to face the reality and at the same time you blamed him so you felt better."
-...........
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